The Pattern
The Roles
The Cycle
The Relationship Autopsy
This isn't about blame. It's about data.
Every relationship leaves behind evidence. Patterns you kept repeating. Warnings you ignored. Things you taught someone about how to treat you. This tool helps you extract what's actually there — so the next relationship doesn't start where this one ended.
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Section 1 of 6
The Dynamic
What was actually happening between you two — not the highlight reel, but the pattern underneath it.
How would you describe the dynamic in one sentence? Not the story — the pattern.
e.g., "I chased, they pulled away" or "I gave, they took" or "We were great until conflict appeared"
What role did you play in the relationship? What role did they play?
Think in terms of pursuer/distancer, giver/taker, peacemaker/aggressor — not good/bad
What was the cycle? When things got bad, what happened, and how did it reset?
e.g., "They'd pull away → I'd panic → I'd over-pursue → they'd come back → things were great → repeat"
Section 2 of 6
What I Kept Tolerating
The things you knew weren't right but stayed for anyway. No judgment — just honesty.
What did you keep making excuses for or explaining away?
Behavior, patterns, the way they talked to you, the way they treated you when things were hard
What would you tell a close friend if they described this relationship to you?
Often we give advice we won't take ourselves. What would you have said?
How long did you know something was wrong before you admitted it?
Be honest. Months? From the beginning?
Section 3 of 6
The Warnings I Ignored
Early signs that told you something. Not hindsight — you saw them at the time.
What did you see in the first 1–3 months that you rationalized or minimized?
Things they said, how they treated others, inconsistencies, the way conflict went early on
What was the moment — if there was one — where you felt a shift but chose to keep going?
Could be something small. A comment. A behavior. A feeling you pushed down.
What did you tell yourself so you could stay?
"They're just stressed." "It'll get better." "I'm being too sensitive." What was your version of this?
Section 4 of 6
What I Brought
This is the section most people skip. It's also the most important one.
What wounds or fears did you bring into this relationship that shaped how you showed up?
Fear of abandonment, need for approval, conflict avoidance, jealousy, low self-worth — what was active in you?
Where did your behavior make the relationship harder than it needed to be?
Not to beat yourself up — this is just honest accounting. Over-pursuing, shutting down, testing, people-pleasing?
What pattern from a previous relationship or your upbringing showed up again here?
The people-pleasing from your family. The anxious attachment from your last relationship. What came with you?
Section 5 of 6
The Lessons
Pain is information. Here's what this one is actually trying to tell you.
What does this relationship teach you about what you actually need from a partner?
Not just what you want — what are the non-negotiables that this made clear?
What does it teach you about yourself — your patterns, your tendencies, your unfinished work?
Not a criticism. A map. What do you know about yourself now that you didn't before?
If this relationship was here to teach you something specific, what was the lesson?
Sometimes it's about self-worth. Sometimes it's about choosing differently. Sometimes it's about learning to leave sooner.
Section 6 of 6
What I'm Taking Forward
The whole point of an autopsy is to change what happens next. This section is that.
What's the one pattern you're committing to break — in yourself — before the next relationship?
Be specific. Not 'I'll do better.' What specifically will you do differently?
What's your non-negotiable — the thing you'll walk away from a relationship for, no matter how strong the pull?
Could be a behavior, a pattern, a feeling. What's your line?
What does the version of you who's done this work look like in a relationship? How do they show up?
Describe them. Secure, boundaried, present, honest — paint the picture.
Your Relationship Autopsy
The Dynamic
What I Kept Tolerating
Excuses I Made
What I'd Tell a Friend
When I Knew
The Warnings I Ignored
Early Signs
The Moment
My Story
What I Brought
My Wounds & Fears
Where I Made It Harder
The Patterns I Carried
The Lessons
What I Actually Need
What I Know About Myself
The Lesson
What I'm Taking Forward
The Pattern I'm Breaking
My Non-Negotiable
My New Self
Key Takeaways
What stood out most from this work?
You Just Did the Hardest Work
Now that you've extracted the data, the next step is rebuilding. If you're ready to go deeper — to actually break these patterns and build something different — let's talk.
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